Canada has two seasons. Winter and Construction. I used to be sane. I got better. It's not whether you win or lose. It's whether *I* win or lose. Make money fast: don't give it any food. On the other hand... you have different fingers. A true friend sees you make a fool of yourself and knows it's not permanent. Bull behind a tapestry: you can't see the taurus for the frieze. Yes, I get funny looks. I like funny looks. A smile is a curve that can set a whole lot of things straight. Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance. A belly button is for salt when you eat celery in bed. A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose. Ability is a good thing but stability is even better. Air is water with holes in it. All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy. All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right. An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. Are dog biscuits made from collie flour? Cats took many thousands of years to domesticate humans. Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence. Death is the one experience that we cannot put in perspective afterwards. Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get worse every year. Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat. Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular. Diplomacy: Saying "go to hell" such that they look forward to the trip. Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell? Don't undertake vast projects with half-vast ideas. Don't laugh. It could happen. Don't you hate it when life doesn't follow the manuals? Everything in moderation, including moderation. Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house. Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were. How many weeks are there in a light year? I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost. I will always love the false image I had of you. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles. It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose. Life is like an analogy. Maintain thy airspeed, lest the ground rise up and smite thee. Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. Most of us hate to see a poor loser. Rich winners, though, are worse. Nobody can be just like me. Even I have trouble. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now. This sentence contradicts itself: no, wait, actually it doesn't. While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position. Why don't "minimalists" find a shorter name for themselves? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? --------------------------------------------------------------- A Collection of 'one-liner' signature files found on the Internet Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk? Give me ambiguity or give me something else. I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got! We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER Did anyone see my lost carrier? Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing! He who laughs last thinks slowest! Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!" A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue. There's too much blood in my caffeine system. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity. I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control! Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. I won't rise to the occaasion, but I'll slide over to it. Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I. Double your drive space - delete Windows! What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free? Assassins do it from behind. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector. I used to have a handle on life, then it broke. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. When there's a will, I want to be in it. Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check? Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? All generalizations are false, including this one. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit. "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.